After her transplant I went into some kind of "post-traumatic syndrome". There was a feeling of numb shock. I found myself sitting alone staring outside our window without a thought or emotion inside of me. Was I depressed? Was I tired? Was I lost? It seems I was all of these three things. Depressed? I am not really sure about this one - how could I be depressed? The mere idea is absurd - with so much to be grateful for. . . Tired, yes! Absolutely tired. . . Lost? This is probably the most accurate word for what I was feeling at this time. For 18 months (the length of a sister's mission) we were on a mission with God to save a precious soul and her body. Frank and I and our other children, our parents, our extended family, our ward and stake family, our facebook friends, our friends across the world were all joined together as we fasted, prayed and hoped for Karina to be healed somehow from her kidney failure. Now that she is out of "crisis" - what are we supposed to focus on now? Frank has his music and this creative passion of his gives him something to put his extra time into now. I, on the other hand, am wondering for what purpose am I here for? Except for Karina, our other four children are well on their way to becoming wonderful, beautiful adults.
I have realized that I have two real passions in me; God and Family. God needs to become my center more than my children have been - I now understand my mother's love for us, her children. She sometimes seemed way too connected to each of the six of us. Now I get it, I get her. . . This month on April 24th as we celebrate new life and resurrection - we six children of Dixie Lynn Gunnerson Magers will be remembering her passing one year ago.
I think part of my "lostness" is not having my mama here with me anymore. . .
